Go with the flow. Pliable. Roll with the punches. Adaptable. Call it what you want, life is constant change. As soon as we figure out who we are and what we're doing, the table turns and we find ourselves faced with new and uncharted waters. I like to think I am fluid. That change doesn't throw me off balance, but I'm human (despite all my pleas to become a robot.)
This past summer I embarked on a new adventure in going back to school. It was not an sudden choice, but one my family and I had been planning and preparing for for a few years. Alas, it was still a big life change. Gone were my days of being a stay at home mom. I didn't think I would miss it too much, but I do.
I looked forward to this change, being a student. But I forgot what it was like to not know something. Going back to school in an intensive full time program is every stress and time challenge they said it would be...and then some. Some days I just feel so lost. I don't know the answers, I don't know what I'm doing and I'm just a blank. I hate not knowing. I hate not being able. I want so badly to skip forward to the part where I get it. Where I am comfortable. When I can move automatically with confidence.
That day is not today. Or tomorrow. I am in the middle of change. I try hard to just go with it. The harder you struggle against the flow the more likely you are to drown. I try to remind myself that this is a journey, an adventure worth taking. How is this a learning experience? How am I adding to who I am by taking this path? My friends and family remind me that I am okay. That I am doing well and one day will look back on this and think how silly it was that I was to frustrated. But to be honest, some days just end in tears. Tears of exasperation. Tears of inexperience. Tears of feeling awkward and uncoordinated. Defeat. Failure. Self-doubt. I struggle and grasp for branches to save me.
Some days I come home and I am compelled to do something I know how to do. I need to feel like an expert in something to remind myself that I have already journeyed this far. I have climbed many mountains and achieved great heights. I have overcome a bad marriage. I have run successful businesses. I have grown and birthed and so far not yet killed two small human beings. I can cook. I can sew.
Oh, I can sew. I come home, I lay down my books and my burdens, and go into my studio. It is familiar. I know where all my tools are. I know how they all work and their quirks. I press, cut, fold and stitch fabric. It's without deep thought or much effort. I make small projects. I need to take something from start to finish, to create completely, to have that sense of accomplishment. It feels so good. And in those actions I can restore myself. I step back from the edge, regroup, refuel, and set my sights forward again.
Each day that I finish is one day forward. It's one more day of experience in this new adventure. One more day as a seasoned traveler in life. I go to bed knowing I will wake up with clearer eyes. I will lace up my boots and push on, climb higher. I will take deep breaths and float on the river of change. I am not a drowning animal. I am a leaf, floating, twirling, and occasionally taking a tumble.
"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be." - Lao Tzu
I'm sharing my experience with change as part of a week long series led by Jenya of While She Was Sleeping and Renee of Nearest The Pin called Constant Change. The goal is to bring you inspiration and celebration in the variety of change we all experience in life. Please head over to Renee's blog, Nearest The Pin to meet today's other poster, Suz of SewPony.
This bag I made during a recent bout of doubt. The exterior fabric is a piece of Ikea curtain. The interior and tabs are unknown designer quilt cotton. The lace stripes are scraps my great grandmother had saved and were in the box of her vintage lace that I had just been bequeathed. I also made my Anatomical Skeleton Hoodie with her vintage lace, too.
