Taking back my craft and heaven on earth

My brain is like a cotton candy machine. Inklings of thoughts fly about from all sides, stretching in to the void. They blow about reaching for other thoughts. My spud sugar thoughts start to glom together. Only then do I have something tangible. Something to hold on to an ponder. Other whisps float out on their own, but these ideas just keep getting bigger and bigger until I remove them. Address them.

It's inevitable to ponder change when we celebrate the new year. The older I get the less radical and more realistic I am about my resolutions. I am who I am. I like me. I like where I am. But my life is pivoting. A friend of mine had a theory that every seven years your life changes. The seven year itch. After thirty five years on this Earth I've learned to go with the flow. If the tides are shifting, best to turn your boat. Otherwise you get unceremoniously dumped from your canoe. Which actually happened to me once in the middle of Fish Creek Pond just off Saranac Lake in Upstate New York. In May. (Too cold and wet for my tastes.)


This is not Upstate NY. This is California in December.
I dove into blogging and sewing and making a business of my craft while I was at home with my babies. When they started to not be babies anymore I went back to school, as was the plan. I never planned on having my craft be a potential legitimate source of income, and although that possibility is very real (and tempting) to me now, I have a finish line in my sights.

In the next five months I will graduate from sonography school. My first baby will be registered for kindergarten. We will no longer be a family who buys boxes of diapers when we go to the store. My family dresses and feeds them selves (for the most part.) I will become a full time, out of the house worker again. These times, they are a changin', and I'm rolling with it.

I've glommed my thoughts on the subject into two larger conclusions. Firstly, I'm taking my craft back. Making and sewing is my joy, my love, but more importantly it's an outlet. It is what I do when I need to escape. I've never been big on making money from my blog, but even more so now I feel the pull to make it all completely mine again. From now on I sew what I want to sew. Not because it's XYZ Sewing Week. Not because someone gave me a free pattern in exchange for a blog post. When I have free time I will sew. If I have more free time I will share it. If I come up with something I think y'all should know how to do, I'll show you how. It feels good to know that sewing is mine again. I have obligations to no one. I've been cleaning up and organizing my studio. It's exciting.


Handstitched felt cuff, Carolyn pajama pants, and a new dress for zombie dollie
The second idea that's been whirling about my head is about time. Time has become a huge commodity to me. We are comfortable with finances, but my family can't ever seem to get enough time. Too many days are spent on obligations. Week ends are too short. Time off flies by. I don't want to be the people who look back on life and think, man, I wish I could do it all again and do it differently. I want to do it differently the first time.

Danny and I made a conscious decision to have children. I never wanted to have kids because it was just what married people did. We decided to raise human beings and want to raise them into awesome people. We want to read them stories and take them on hikes and teach them to explore. We want to stoke their fires of adventure and show them the endless possibilities of life. When we're bogged down in obligations that time is cut short.

I recently read a blog post about a man that was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. He's a father and wrote about milking the time he had left with is wife and his kids. He said that he was living a heaven on earth. That *this* is what is most perfect and wonderful and awesome. It plucked my heart strings. Not because he was dying (which is sad and sucks) but because he was right. For all it's corniness, I'm living heaven on earth. I've got everything a thirty something woman could ask for right around me and I'm going to enjoy the hell out of it. I have two awesome kids who adore spending time with their parents. I've got a husband who freaking rocks. I'm healthy and young and able. This is my heaven on earth and I'm not going to be foolish enough to let it all slip away.


This is my heaven. Corny? Cheesy? I don't care.
So what does this all mean to you? Not much. (ha) I just had these balls of sugar rolling around in my brain and I needed to get them out. It feels good to put them out there and make room for more. There will still be plenty of Made with Moxie. I've got patterns in the works (which are really clothes I'm drafting for myself, but while I'm at it I'll make your sizes too!) There will also be more Perfect Pattern Parcels this year, just later this year, once I have passed my remaining two board exams. Things are looking good and I'm happy with the direction my tides are turning.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some House of Cards to watch while I do some free hand embroidery of nothingness. Life is good.






P.S. Danny and I now joke to each other that "this is heaven on earth" on nights when the kids are driving us bonkers and we're wondering what the hell did we get ourselves into. Keep it real, cheesers.

Constant Change

"A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving." - Lao Tzu

Go with the flow. Pliable. Roll with the punches. Adaptable. Call it what you want, life is constant change. As soon as we figure out who we are and what we're doing, the table turns and we find ourselves faced with new and uncharted waters. I like to think I am fluid. That change doesn't throw me off balance, but I'm human (despite all my pleas to become a robot.)

This past summer I embarked on a new adventure in going back to school. It was not an sudden choice, but one my family and I had been planning and preparing for for a few years. Alas, it was still a big life change. Gone were my days of being a stay at home mom. I didn't think I would miss it too much, but I do.


I looked forward to this change, being a student. But I forgot what it was like to not know something. Going back to school in an intensive full time program is every stress and time challenge they said it would be...and then some. Some days I just feel so lost. I don't know the answers, I don't know what I'm doing and I'm just a blank. I hate not knowing. I hate not being able. I want so badly to skip forward to the part where I get it. Where I am comfortable. When I can move automatically with confidence.

That day is not today. Or tomorrow. I am in the middle of change. I try hard to just go with it. The harder you struggle against the flow the more likely you are to drown. I try to remind myself that this is a journey, an adventure worth taking. How is this a learning experience? How am I adding to who I am by taking this path? My friends and family remind me that I am okay. That I am doing well and one day will look back on this and think how silly it was that I was to frustrated. But to be honest, some days just end in tears. Tears of exasperation. Tears of inexperience. Tears of feeling awkward and uncoordinated. Defeat. Failure. Self-doubt. I struggle and grasp for branches to save me.


Some days I come home and I am compelled to do something I know how to do. I need to feel like an expert in something to remind myself that I have already journeyed this far. I have climbed many mountains and achieved great heights. I have overcome a bad marriage. I have run successful businesses. I have grown and birthed and so far not yet killed two small human beings. I can cook. I can sew.


Oh, I can sew. I come home, I lay down my books and my burdens, and go into my studio. It is familiar. I know where all my tools are. I know how they all work and their quirks. I press, cut, fold and stitch fabric. It's without deep thought or much effort. I make small projects. I need to take something from start to finish, to create completely, to have that sense of accomplishment. It feels so good. And in those actions I can restore myself. I step back from the edge, regroup, refuel, and set my sights forward again.


Each day that I finish is one day forward. It's one more day of experience in this new adventure. One more day as a seasoned traveler in life. I go to bed knowing I will wake up with clearer eyes. I will lace up my boots and push on, climb higher. I will take deep breaths and float on the river of change. I am not a drowning animal. I am a leaf, floating, twirling, and occasionally taking a tumble.

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be." - Lao Tzu

I'm sharing my experience with change as part of a week long series led by Jenya of While She Was Sleeping and Renee of Nearest The Pin called Constant Change. The goal is to bring you inspiration and celebration in the variety of change we all experience in life. Please head over to Renee's blog, Nearest The Pin to meet today's other poster, Suz of SewPony.



This bag I made during a recent bout of doubt. The exterior fabric is a piece of Ikea curtain. The interior and tabs are unknown designer quilt cotton. The lace stripes are scraps my great grandmother had saved and were in the box of her vintage lace that I had just been bequeathed. I also made my Anatomical Skeleton Hoodie with her vintage lace, too.

“It doesn’t matter where you are, you are nowhere compared to where you can go.”

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...or so it seems, I wore well cut wool suits, authentic cashmere pashminas and Italian silks. Each day I was a fashion plate with a triple shot latte. As a retail business manager, I lead a stellar team and was a killer saleswoman. Working long hours, late night happy hours, my life was a career filled adulthood and I longed for nothing more.

Change sneaks up on you. I met Danny and together we decided to have babies. I wanted to have a family with him. We'd be kick ass parents. It was our opinion that our mothers did us right by staying home with us during our early years, and despite all my ambition, was the low earner on the totem pole, so I became the designated stay at home parent to our babes. I kissed my department store wardrobe goodbye (not very practical and hell, they don't fit postpartum), and said hello to things you can easily launder spit up and poop off of.


No one will ever call me a graceful mother. (Or graceful at all, for that matter.) Stay at home motherhood is daunting. I felt alone. And fat. And hormonal. I was just not me in my own skin. But I don't make commitments lightly and was determined. Every single day, I got up, showered and dressed. I tried my damnedest to be a good stay at home mom knowing the whole time that a finish line was in sight.

I am a fantastic mom to our kids. I know that. But "stay at home mom" is never a hat that fit comfortably on my head. I resented my husband for business trips. At company happy hours I was sure his coworkers made assumptions of me. I used every creative way to say what I did without saying "stay at home mom", including but not limited to the time I recorded my profession as "retired" on a form. (I am truly sorry for that as I am now hounded by the AARP. Seriously. I had to tell them I was going to report them for stalking and to come back in 20 years.)

Somewhere during my tenure as the stay at home parent I decided to change careers. The retail management requirements of worked holidays and weekends don't jive well with family life. Despite not ever feeling comfortable as a stay at home mom, I was very interested in being an active parent to my kiddos. I just needed the adult interaction. I needed validation. I needed recognition and to have goals to work towards. So we decided I'd go back to school when the kids were old enough to go to school.


But what about my blog? My shop? I've sold a variety of things I've made through my shop the five years I've been the stay at home parent, but I like being able to make and sell what I like. Any time I start mass producing something, I quickly grow to hate it. My blog has always been about me. It's my expression. It's where I show off what I make and teach you to make them too, if you want. The 'ads' I post are my friends and shops I respect. The sponsored posts and tours I do are for patterns I'd have bought anyways. My opinion can't be bought. I'm far too mouthy to lie to you all and to be honest, I don't want to shill stuff to you. This it my place and I'm humbled there are so many of you still listening after all these years. Thank you.

Becoming a mother has taken my former self and stretched and confounded and shaken her up until she has settled and grown into this new person. A women with the skills and obstinance from before, but with the mighty roar of a bear. Motherhood tried to break me but I have emerged victorious! I am bigger and better and stronger. I have broken out from my cocoon to stretch my wings.


If you've be around here a while you know I've been taking some classes here and there. Prerequisites for the sonography program I have been accepted into. (Sonongraphy = ultrasounds. Not the people who write down everything that's said in court. That's a stenographer. Think Aquaman, but more badass. Also, it's not just for pregnant ladies. Far from it.) It's going to take me 13.5 months of full time, hard core schooling. From here on out, it's all highlighters and ramen, baby.

This week was the big week. My babies had their first day of pre-K on Monday, and Tuesday was my first day of full time school.

My stay at home motherdom is over. It's gone.

I've been looking forward to this moment for years. I can leave the house without diapers and wipes. I get in and out of the car and don't have two little ones to help. I can walk as fast as I like when I'm late and not have to hustle anyone else up. I'm smart and my peers and professors assume exactly that. No one looks at me and only sees a mom.

So why does it feel so bad in my heart? Why are my eye leaking? Damn my non-robot-ness!

I had the privilege of having dinner with Shalagh last week. We talked about many things, but one of the nuggets she left with me was to look up this poem by Khalil Glbran:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

I am strong enough for myself, but am I a strong enough bow? An ache hollows my heart to know that I must set my arrows to fly, but I know I must. How is it that I've been looking forward to this for so long and now that it's here I feel guilt and fear? Damn you, motherhood. You've done this to me.

And so I embark upon this new chapter of mine. To master a new skill and learn a new trade. To hone myself within motherhood, so that I can be the strong and stable bow. May my aim be true and my arrow fly straight. There's no turning back now.

Big changes at Perfect Pattern Parcel

I live my life with little to no regret. Bad things that happen to you are learning experiences for the future. Every event that has occurred in your life up until this point has shaped the person you are. When the going gets tough, think to yourself, “Why am I doing this? What is important to me?”


Wall art by Mr. Pickwicks
The events that happened this pat weekend that ultimately led to Rachael and Pattern Parcel parting ways left me reeling. I had lost my blogging best friend, and all of a sudden overnight my blog and business were nothing by stress, chaos and confusion. I was left to ponder:

“Why am I doing this? Why did I start my blog and Pattern Parcel? Why should I keep going?”

It all just brought me back to the core of it all. I love to share what I make and teach people how to make it too. I love the online making community. I am passionate about independent, small designer businesses. I think it is incredibly important to give back and be charitable.

This is what is important to me and my family. This is what Danny and I believe in. We believe in being good people. We believe in helping others. We want to teach our children to hold these beliefs close to their hearts.

We also thinking running a business is fun and it’s even more fun to do together. Building something from nothing, creating a product that customers want, making the first sale...it’s exciting. Pattern Parcel is a learning tool. We read books and attend webinars. We test new ideas and analyze the results. It’s like our third baby, except I didn’t have a c-section to give birth to it and it’s not giving me stretch marks. ;)


Wall art by Kaelah of The Clueless Girl
A few days rumination have brought Danny and I to this decision:

Going forward, all profits from Perfect Pattern Parcel will be also donated to charity.

We’re going back to the basics of it all. Supporting indie designers, being charitable, and developing community. Don’t worry. Nothing about Perfect Pattern Parcel is changing for you. We’re going to continue to build awesome collections of patterns from kickass designers. We’ll be continuing to feature talented bloggers who showcase the versatility of the patterns. And as always, we're going to continue to let you choose your price for the patterns and Pattern Parcel is still going to cover all the costs associated with running the sales. Then we're going to donate the rest. We may even be throwing in a sew-a-long contest or two. ;)

Thank you for reading to the end with me here. I am sincerely thankful for your support. It’s why I fell in love with blogging and this community.

Want to help and be part of Perfect Pattern Parcel ? Please shoot us an email at info@patternparcel.com. We'd love to have you.









Haven't gotten your copy of Parcel #2 yet? It's a lovely collection of spring essentials for a little girl's wardrobe. Choose your price.
Help children's education.
Support independent designers.

Getting Happy

Hey, all,

It's Friday! Hoorah! Our house has been running 24/7 lately. We work all day, have family dinner and bed time, then my husband and I go back to work until midnight. Jimmy likes to climb into our bed in the middle of the night. Thankfully we went to Ikea a few weeks ago and bought ourselves a king sized bed. It's a luxury, but with an additional body (or two) in our bed, it buys us more room to sleep.

It's been one of those weeks where I can't decide if I want it to hurry along or slooooow down. I always look forward to Fridays because it means the weekend is here and we can all be together. But the arrival of *this* Friday means that it is one week until Perfect Pattern Parcel launches! Have you signed up for the newsletter? Do you want to be the first to know? GAK! (waves arms like Kermit the Frog) It's almost here. Rachael, Danny and I are really psyched. Like super psyched. Start the countdown clock, friends, it is almost here and you're going to be floored.

This morning was a bit of craziness. Despite my chipper, go get 'em, attitude, the kids were real grouches. I was perusing my newsfeed when I happened upon Lacy of Living on Love's newest post. She a momma of two with a third on the way any day now. She's been doing a project all year called Living on Love Project. This month she's working on the fact that she is *not* a morning person. But she knows her mood sets the stage for the rest of the family and their day. So she's working on Waking Up Happy. In her post she shared a music video. I wasn't about to let two grummy kiddos set the mood for the day so I took charge!



It took three playings of the song to get both kids dancing with me. When the kids were smaller we used to always have Dorsey Dance Parties. I'm officially bringing them back! We danced to Happy only 8 times. We were sweaty, being creative with our movements and laughing. Friday has been saved. Thank you, Lacy!


I need your help. I need to build up my Dorsey Dance Party playlist. What's your favorite (mostly kid friendly) dance song that makes you happy? Mine is Me and Julio by Paul Simon and Bamboleo by the Gypsy Kings. Help me out!

Now go dance! Get happy!

I am...

I am a curvy, sexy brunette.

I am a painted lady.

I am a maker; seamstress, quilter, artist, designer.

I am a woman; wife, mother, sister, daughter.

I am a lover. I wear my heart on my sleeve.

I am passionate. It's all or nothing.

I am silly. I am laughter.

I am emotional. I overflow.

I am a tactile person. I touch the back of your coat when you aren't looking.

I am detail oriented to a fault. I am a perfectionist.

I am rational and pragmatic.

I want to be in control.

I am an adventurer; a hacker.

I am a fidget.

I am a story teller. A big picture painter.

I am moxie. I am a character.

I want to be a runner again.

I want to buy more time.

I want to be successful.

I want to be iconic. I want to be notorious. I want to be infamous.

I want to have it all.


Take a moment this week. Tell me: who are you?

Link your blog post up here or share it with us inside the Bold. Brilliant. Beautiful. You. group on Facebook.

About the Bold Brilliant Beautiful You project:
Throughout the year, I’m joining forces with some of my blogging friends to motivate and encourage ourselves and others to be bold and step out from behind the lens, projects, and mama status to show ourselves. That’s right, we’re doing something just for us. And we’re inviting you to join us! Each of us has something bold, brilliant and beautiful inside—whether it’s a dream to ask for a promotion, wear those sparkly shoes in the back of our closet, or start a non-profit. The #boldbeautifulbrilliant project is a support group for all of us seeking to be real and vulnerable. No judging, no questions, just support and words of encouragement.

Bold. Brilliant. Beautiful. YOU.

Have you ever done something so out of the box, so out of your comfort zone that it makes you a little ill? Or makes you feel so many emotions at once you could burst? I just entered my Fuck you, Lymphoma quilt into a quilt exhibition and that is how I feel right about now. The Voices in my head wanted me to just think about it for a while, but the application deadline is this Friday and I know those Voices are just trying to psyche me out. So I did it. It isn't the rejection that scares me, but what happens if my quilt is selected. I'll have to go to an event. I'll have to stand next to my quilt. I'll have to talk about it and accept compliments without curling up in a ball or walking away like an odd little weirdo.


This is part of my plan for 2014. I've joined a fabulous group of people online who are taking part in a new project. We're taking the pledge to be more Bold. More Brilliant. More Beautiful. More YOU.

What does this all mean? I don't know. You tell me. It means something different to each and every one of us. Every one has something that makes them feel awkward or overly emotional. That thing that makes us feel like we are standing naked in front of the world.

We're taking that thing and we're facing it head on. We're setting out to conquer those things and to help each other out in order to achieve those goals. Because when we help each other we establish trust and we start a grow a community. We can look around us and feel safe. And free. Free to just be ourselves. Once we can feel free to be ourselves then we can truly SHINE.

So I'd like you to join me. Join us in our plan be more Bold. Brilliant. Beautiful. You. It's not going to happen in one day, one week, one month. But you can do it. We'll do it together.
Here's what I am working on:

Bold.
I recently watched this video of Amy Pohler talking about taking risks and having courage. One of the things she said was this: "Great people do things before they are ready. They do things before they know they can do it." That has really resonated with me. So for 2014 I'm pinching my nose and jumping in to the deep end of the pool, friends. Entering my Fuck you quilt into an exhibition is an example. I've never done this before. I don't know if my quilt is good enough, but damn it, I'm doing it.

I'm also taken what I feel like is a huge risk and started a new company with some trusted, talented friends. We're really going out one a limb here in bringing something new and bold and unique to the indie pattern business. It's called Perfect Pattern Parcel. I invite you to start following us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Expect to hear much much more about this in the future. You're going to like this. A lot. (I may poop my pants.)

Brilliant.
When I think of brilliance, I think of stars, diamonds, shining, and light. It's my goal for 2014 to become more involved in the sewing community both online and off. There are so many of us out here and I can't help but feel we're like buoys bobbing in the ocean. Now is the time to swim! Not only do I want to reach out a hand to those who want to learn to swim, I want to orchestrate an entire synchronized swimming ballet.

Beautiful.
A good portion of you are mothers, and a good portion of you are past your twenties. Finding yourself and truly feeling beautiful at this point is not easy. I think a lot of us think of ourselves as the older, lumpier versions of our formerly beautiful selves. It's not fair and it's not true. It's my goal to stop comparing myself to some one else's definition of beautiful. I spent my childhood wishing I had curly blond hair. My hair is brown and as straight as it comes! It is just ridiculous. Plain stupid.

In 2014 I'm going to work on being beautiful in my own skin as a thirty something wife, mother, student, maker, blogger. I'm not letting anyone else tell me what is beautiful. I say what is beautiful. While I'm on the subject, I've always thought tattoos were beautiful. And tattooed ladies. Anytime you overhear discussions about tattoos and women, you hear things like this: "But what will you look like on your wedding day/in a strapless dress?" Or: "What will you look like when you're 70?" I tell you what I'm going to look like. A seventy year old beautiful women with tattoos all over her. I've decided life is too short, and while I have not completely lost my mind, I'm expanding my tattoo collections. I'm expanding my canvas onto body parts that are more visible. Why buy art to hide it in the closet?

Feast your eyes on my latest artwork! I'm so thrilled with it. It was designed by Little Jenn Small of Charlotte, NC last weekend at the DC Tattoo Convention. I was so pleased to collaborate with and support another female maker in her art. Plus, it's totally rad!

Fake it 'til you become it:
I watched an amazing TED talk last week by Amy Cuddy. Everyone needs to watch it. I don't care how much laundry is waiting for you. No laundress ever conquered the world. Watch it. Now. It is twenty-one minutes of awesome. She will change your life forever. I want you to go watch that video today. That is your Bold.Brilliant.Beautiful.YOU homework assignment. And after you watch it, I want you to start practicing your power posing. You're going to feel like a dork at first, but it works. I'll be doing it, too. Together we're going to fake it 'til you become it.

Want some extra support? Join the Bold. Brilliant. Beautiful. YOU. group on Facebook. It is a closed group so we can chat among ourselves without fear. I'd love to see you there. I want to see your power posing pictures, too! Use Instagram and tag them #boldbrilliantbeautiful & #powerposing. You'll feel so strong and awesome.

Together we're going to kick some major ass.

Bold. Brilliant. Beautiful. YOU.